i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
