i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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