my mouth tastes like poor choices
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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