I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
