i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
