I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
