Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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