you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
