I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
