I can text with my tongue
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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