u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
