my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
how drunk are you?
Several
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
