Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
