I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
home. puking in laundry basket.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
