you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize