His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
