Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
another moral hangover. fuck.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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