Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
