maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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