Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
