i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
