Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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