The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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