I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
