Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
