I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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