Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
