Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
