Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
