Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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