Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
