My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
