I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
