I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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