shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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