Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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