Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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