You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
