I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
