smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Found the puke drawer
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
