We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
