If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
