The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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