I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
