sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
