You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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