i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
