I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
