Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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