she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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