he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
