Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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