what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
