It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
