fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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