Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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