the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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