and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
