I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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