are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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