Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
