For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
